Xiahou Dun's Journal
by ThatOneNerdyGirl
Summary: I'm not entirely sure how to describe this... Zhang He gives Xiahou Dun a journal and this fanfic is about Xiahou Dun dealing with all the crazy stuff that goes on in Ancient China. Whether its dealing with his fellow officers, or putting up with Guan Yu, Xiahou Dun writes it down here.
1. 100 Percent Done and I Just Started

**AN: Don't ask me what this is because I'm not entirely sure myself. First Dynasty Warriors fanfiction I've uploaded here and I decided to do Xiahou Dun because he's cool and one of my favorite characters, plus the fact that Wei and Jin are the best dynasties, hands down. Don't agree? Well it's a shame, my cup of care is empty. Been empty for years. Alright less talk, more journal. I'll probably upload more chapters if people like this, and if I come up with more dry humor.  
**

* * *

Um, date, year, what do I put here? Oh whatever. That rhymed I'm hilarious.

So, dear journal..? No I'm a man, screw that.

Zhang He gave this to me, said something about feelings, and then pranced off to talk about butterflies and glitter with Li Dian, or whatever bisexual men talk about these days. I honestly don't want to know.

* * *

How about daily happenings? That's pretty manly right? I'll ask Dian Wei, he's a man. Damn, isn't he dead? I can't remember.

Guo Jia's been walking around with a black eye and a split lip. I think he might've been caught staring at Wang Yi's chest again. His fault for being lewd, Wang Yi's fault for having those things out there. And if you're going to stare at anyone there you should at least be discreet. Lord Cao Cao and Cao Pi are amazing at that. It's amazing how much practice they get, considering how little women we have here.

* * *

Why is Shu even a dynasty? They're just a bunch of whiny green twats with a whinier green twat as their leader. Plus they just love getting new assholes ripped. I assumed they would have learned that after the first invasion they lost. And the second. And the third. Wei is gangster, I thought we established that.

* * *

I wonder why people still ask me if I made up with Jia Xu. No, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Pretty sure, not 100%. Yes, I'm still pissed, but we also never speak because he's always getting drunk with Guo Jia. I'm waiting for the day he dies from alcohol poisoning. Hehe…

* * *

Hah, these peons are just jealous that my EYEPATCH has more testosterone than ALL the males in their family. I probably have enough balls for everyone in Wei. In China even! Certain people need a pair. Or two. Maybe three, if you're Xu Shu. Why did Cao Cao let him join Wei again? Oh wait, hypothetical route, never mind.

* * *

How are we supposed to get anything done if our officers won't stop staring at each other?! If Li Dian says something about being safe around Yue Jin one more time, I'm asking Yuan to shoot out my other eyeball. Double eye-loss, double the testosterone. Not a bad idea...

* * *

Cao Cao is a fantastic leader and I believe he's the only one capable of ruling China, but his son is an emotionless little shit sometimes. He's so prissy and that pair of boobs he calls his wife? She just takes up space. With those bowling balls. And she's just as dry and prissy as her husband. I pray that Cao Cao never finds this…

* * *

I've just been informed that I have offspring...When the hell did this happen? Why do they all look the same?! Come on! They should all lose their left eyeball and grow goatees like real men!

* * *

Xiahou Ba...my cousin…? I think...He must be my 2nd cousin if Yuan is my 1st. Jin…? The hell is that? Is that some watered down version of Wei? Why isn't he here?! Kinda sounds like the liquor Wang Yi is always pouring down her throat in despair. I keep forgetting you can't tell women to grow a pair and get over it. But seriously, Ma Chao killing her family was years ago. You think with her boobs she would have gotten another husband already.

I keep forgetting she's psychotic never mind. The only one who seems to have any interest in her is Guo Jia, but he'll have sex with anything that has a pulse…

* * *

Cai Wenji…? Who is she again ? Oh yeah, the woman with the harp. How is that even considered a weapon? Try a sword, swords are better. Why is she even here? Does she do anything other than sit there smiling? Come on woman we're at war! Get your lazy, useless ass up and help us kill things!

* * *

Now that I think about it, Wu is like Shu except red, fire and tiger obsessed twats. And I like them more than Shu. They wanted to kill Guan Yu over a piece of land! That is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard…

Well, now that I think about it. If Guan Yu stole land from me and refused to give it back, I'd be pretty upset and try to murder him too.

* * *

Jeez, Zhang He is mean when he's had too much to drink… I didn't think he knew any other words other than, 'beauty' and 'grace' and 'elegance.' I'm too busy to worry about that though. It would suck if all the women in our kingdom rebelled because Lord Cao Cao is a pervert when he's drunk. Maybe I should try and hide all the alcohol in the kingdom...


	2. So I'm a Father Now

Ewww...why do these generics who I've been told are my children suddenly want my attention now? They're so needy and affectionate, it's gross. I'm not ready to be a dad! I killed my goldfish when I was a child because I though it could feed itself! I'm too neglectful to be a father...I wonder if Yuan will adopt them... Xiahou Ba could use some more siblings.

* * *

Nope, Yuan won't take them. Who else in this kingdom has children and knows what to do with them. Cao Cao? The one child of his that is actually mentioned is an asshat. Xiahou Yuan? His kid is never here for some damn reason. Um...what about the guy with the hat that looks like one of our ships from Chibi? The one whose name sounds like horse...He's got kids right?

* * *

Alright, going to Sima Yi was a mistake. Not only did he accuse me of staring at his wife's chest (they were just out there, what'd he expect?), but him dealing with his children did not help me at all. The Sima brothers are the strangest pair of siblings I've ever seen. Sima Zhao gets tossed down the stairs every other 10 minutes by his own father and Sima Shi...I've never met anyone in China who is so passionate about meat wrapped in flour. And it kinda looks like he's got a thing for his brother's wife. Visiting the Sima household, been there, met the family, got the shirt and the buff Sima child's emo bodyguard kicking me out of the house for no good reason.

* * *

Zhang He just suggested that I go to Guan Yu for advice about being a parent. HAHAHAHA. He made it sound like it was a good idea and that I would even consider actually going through with it...Ohhhh that's hilarious. Comedy gold. It's funny till someone breaks all the high heels off of his boots.

* * *

Why the fuck did Xiahou Ba call me Uncle Dun? I hate that. Nope. Don't like it. I refuse to be acknowledged by that. I am a man, with a badass eyepatch, and detest the idea of being called something as affectionate as 'Uncle Dun.' Besides, I could've sworn the brat and I were cousins.

Why are parents not allowed to ignore their children ? I mean, mine are grown men and they still complain about me not giving them enough attention. Cao Cao told me that children are like this, and that I should be proud to have children that look up to me. Then he said that I should spend every living moment spending time with them, whether it be on the battlefield, or drinking wine, or playing Go. Says the man who only pays attention to one out of his hundreds of children.

* * *

XIAHOU YUAN PUT HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND PROCEEDED TO SQUEEZE ME AFTER A WAR COUNCIL TODAY. I AM LOCKED IN THE CRINGE POSITION. WHATEVER HE DID... WHAT WAS THAT?

* * *

Cousin Cao Cao informed me that Yuan gave me a 'hug.' I told him to tell all of his officers to never give me one of those again, or I'll go on a killing spree and convince that Jap that Cao Pi is always conversing with to take me to Japan with him.

* * *

Some little shit stole all of my eye patches. Let's see how everyone likes seeing the bloody crater where my eye used to be.

* * *

I walked around outside for 10 minutes and some peon ran up to me, covering his eyes and gave me back all of my eye patches. Really, it's not that bad.

* * *

Okay so maybe it is that bad.

* * *

I just saw Xiahou Ba running about with Guo Huai's arm cannon. He's actually kind of cute...oh God what is this feeling?!

* * *

 **Dear Cao Cao,**

PLEASE HELP ME COUSIN. MY HEART HURTS AND THE CORNERS OF MY MOUTH ARE TURNING UPWARDS. GET A DOCTOR.

* * *

 **Dear Cao Cao,**

I got the family part yeah, but 'la-oh-ve,' is that how you say it? Family 'la-oh-ve?'

* * *

 **Dear Xiahou Ba,**

Quit calling me uncle you little shit. Aren't you supposed to be blowing up more rice farms with Guo Huai's cannon? Or did he take it already?

* * *

 **Dear Ba,**

Yeah it's probably for the best, Sima Yi would have ripped you a new one if you blew up his estate.

* * *

 **Yes, I know it kind of turned into a letter segment at the end, it was the only other way to continue the story that I could think of. I'll probably keep it journal and maybe have a couple of letter parts in it for dialogue purposes or when I think of something funny that'll fit best in a letter. Uncle Dun sounds adorable to me, it really does. And yes, I made a reference to Mitsunari Ishida. Whatcha gonna do about it?  
**


	3. Ew, Guan Yu

**AN: Long update, I know, short chapter, I know. Don't blame me, blame finals. Requests are open if there is anything anyone wants to see. I don't do OCs though.**

I'm getting kind of desperate but there is now way, in hell, that I'm asking Guan Yu for advice on kids. It's probably easy for him though because none of his kids have dysfunctional, or legitimate, personalities.

 **Guan Yu,**

You know I don't like you, don't write to me you sun burnt twat.

 **Guan Yu,**

BWAHAHA, that's funny. You think your children are capable of taking me on? Ah, you're such a peasant.

 **Guan Xing,**

The animators won't give you the genes to grow a beard.

 **Guan Ping,**

You're adopted.

 **Guan Suo,**

You're imaginary.

 **Guan Yinping,**

No one will take you seriously because your skirt is almost nonexistent.

 **Guan Yu,**

Asshat.

Whoa! Holy crap! Xun Yu is literally "0 to 100 real quick!" I could've sworn he was a generic like, 5 minutes ago.

He's still no fun. He told me to stop pulling on his ponytail and asking him where his gray robes went.

I saw Li Dian making crop circles in the peasant rice fields. I wish I could say I was joking. He does seem pretty pleased with himself though.

Jiang Wei is the pretty boy we had that didn't get any screentime in Wei and is sucking Zhuge Liang's dick right now, right? I think so.

 **Xu Shu,**

And you're here...why?

 **Cao Cao,**

I think we should invade Shu again. You know, just because I'm bored. Wu doesn't do much except sit there.

Hey if anyone is going to be unreasonably gruff and surly it's me, not Yu Jin, okay?

MY SPIKES! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SPIKES? WHICH ONE OF THESE LIL SHITS TOOK MY HAIR GEL?!

 **Guan Yu,**

IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT!

 **Guan Yu,**

Don't play dumb, I know it was you who stole my gel. FYI it's not going to work on your beard.

 **Guan Yu,**

There will be hell to pay if you don't give it back to me. Cao Cao uses it for his hair-fish-tail-things.

So, Cao Cao denied my requests to invade Shu again. And he also denied that he was uses my hair gel for his hair. Who else do I know who possibly uses gel for their hair...?

 **Yue Jin,**

You know I own you so don't mess with me. Did you take my gel?

 **Yue Jin,**

What do you mean they're "naturally like that?" Teach me your ways.

 **Zhang Liao,**

Do you have spikes under your hat? If so, did you take my hair gel? It's not like I'd slit your throat and use your blood as sauce for my meatbuns or anything if you did...

 **Li Dian,**

You're good for now because I can't tell if its spikes or curls or pubes you've got going on with your hair.

 **Yu Jin,**

I know you BORROWED my gel at some point in time but did you TAKE it?

 **Yu Jin,**

Don't bullshit me there is no way you can slick your hair back like that without gel.

 **Cao Cao,**

Are you suuuurrrreeeee?

I miss my hair gel...Where could it be? How am I supposed to live without my gravity defying spikes? Heyheyhey wait a minute...Is that Sima Yi's buffer son...with MY GEL?!

 **Sima Yi,**

I DON'T CARE HOW COOL YOUR HAT LOOKS IN EACH INSTALLMENT, YOUR SON HAS MY HAIR GEL AND I WANT IT BACK.

 **Sima Zhao,**

I'm going to murder you.

 **Sima Zhao,**

Xiahou Ba gave it to you...?

 **Xiahou Ba,**

OOOOOOHHH YOU LITTLE SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY HAIR GEL, MY HAIR GEL, TO THE SIMA CHILD? I TRUSTED YOU


End file.
